Real Life & Power Outages

3:45 AM: husband's alarm goes off.

Also at 3:45 AM: the power goes out. Naturally, I wake up like the house is on fire because who can sleep without some sort of noise?

3:46 AM: with one eye shut, I'm dialing the 800-number to Alabama Power.

Good morning, and thank you for calling Alabama Power. To report a power outage or dangerous condition, press 1.

To continue in English, press 1.

Power outage main menu: to report a power outage or dangerous condition, press 1.

Pretty sure that was the first step in our conversation, freak.

Please enter your 10-digit phone number, starting with the area code first.

The power seems to be on at this location…

Okay, robo-witch, let me interrupt you right there. If the power was on, I wouldn't be calling. And…considering the power is off, I would say…THE POWER IS OFF. 🙄

To continue reporting an outage for this location, press 1.

Seriously, I should have kept count at how many more times I had to press 1.

3:49 AM: I get out of bed to go look down the street to make sure our house isn't the only house sucked up into the black hole of powerlessness. Eric tells me I might need to go outside to see if a breaker was flipped. I tell Eric he might need to go to hell.

3:50 AM: I go outside to see if a breaker was flipped. The fact that all the breakers were breakering just fine made me 6 times angrier that I just walked outside… before 4 AM… in a t-shirt and skimpies… with fogged up glasses… and my Crocs on… for absolutely no reason.

3:52 AM: I get back into bed and call Alabama Power again and go through their game of 20 Questions all over again. This time though, robo-witch tells me there seems to be a problem in my area and a technician is on-site fixing the issue. Considering this "on-site" she speaks of is literally on my property and I can see it from my front door, I call horse 💩 you lying liar! Ain't a single soul on-site except the cows in the pasture. And…she also says it should be repaired by 6 AM. 6 AM. I may need to apologize in advance to anyone who has to see me today because if I have to get ready for work in the dark, I may end up looking like Ru Paul or a meth addict. Chances are, there's no in-between.

4:26 AM: The adult me says to press 1 to get up and be productive. The anti-adult me says to press 2 to turn on some white noise on iTunes and go my ass back to sleep. The intelligent me wants to know how the hell the adult me can be productive at 4:30 in the morning without any electricity.

Considering I only have an hour and a half left to sleep, I'm going to go ahead and assume that life will be against me and I'm not going to be able to go back to sleep at all.

And when I can't go back to sleep, I may go outside and start screaming obscenities… just because it sounds like the fun thing to do.

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